by Olivia Moore | May 21, 2019 | Mom, poems, Poetry, Postpartum
Yesterday was my first day back at work and it honestly went very well. By night time sadness hit me outta nowhere. I wrote this poem in an attempt to get through it.
At the end of the day
I gotta stand in my own
Face the things that burden me all alone
Everyone tries to assure me and remind me that a whole universe has my back
But that nigga ain’t here or don’t hear when I ask for help to get back on track
6-week old baby
Still trying to feel a new version of sane
Fighting all of this heaviness coursing through my veins
All while my face holds a smile
People happy to see me cause I’ve been gone for a while
Partnership or not this battle is on me
I have to change my perception of reality
Most days deep down I know that all is well
But at this moment I feel like I’m laying in hell
Too numb to break a sweat
Soul growing cold enough to survive
All while the crowd cheers keep hope alive
Have you ever been surrounded by people that cheer you on and advise you on what to do?
Wishing you had someone who could be you for you?
Deep inside I want someone to be me for me
Be there to do all that they can to show me how to get free
Be there to just sit and comfort me
Without me having to ask or beg or hope that they want to be there for me
I swear these poems are getting repetitive
Same message different words
Maybe one day they will be more than just liked
But heard …
by Olivia Moore | Oct 2, 2018 | Lesson of The Day, Mom
Most see ultrasound pics and due dates and send congrats and well wishes. But what goes on inside the mind of the mama that’s considered “high risk”?
Here’s a backstage tour :
She cries at times because she feels so broken
So abnormal
She tries her best to mentally prepare for cervical stitches
Possible bed rest
Total dependency on others
No sex with her partner
Feelings of despair
Praying that her baby makes it another week
Wondering if her job will understand that she can’t physically be on her feet
Somehow she sheds tears and allows herself to feel the weight
Wallow in it
Get lost in everything that’s on Her plate
Then she completely let’s go
Surrender
Accepts
And feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the partner beside her that holds her and lets her know that everything will be ok
Or full of laughter from the little baby swimming around waving today
Then she wipes her eyes, stands up and k ones that everything will be ok
by Olivia Moore | Sep 26, 2018 | EveryDay, Lesson of The Day, Mom
Manifesting the things you desire becomes easier once you learn how to be clear and direct with your request. The problem is most of us either don’t know what we want, don’t believe we will get what we desire, or have a hard time trusting. I can speak for myself. I can clearly tell you what my kids need or what my partner needs, but when placed in a position to get exactly what I want, my brain is clouded with noise. I wake up and my brain is often overwhelmed with decisions. For example:
As soon as my eyes open:
What time is it?
Did Kimani get up and make it to the bus on time?
What am I going to wear today?
Is it supposed to rain?
It’s cold af in the office so I have to dress accordingly
Damn my ankle is still swollen. I gotta pee but the wheelchair is in the hall, and it’s faster if I just limped my way to the bathroom. Should I get the wheelchair, or thug it? Decide
What am I going to eat for breakfast? Do we have eggs, bacon, peppermint tea?
I’m already nauseous so I hope that whatever I decide to eat stays down
Fuck what am I going to eat today? It’s hard to plan now that the baby has taken over.
What time is it? Damn it’s 7:30. I was hoping to be at work by 8:00
Fuck. Gotta hurry up.
Hey, mom have you seen my shoes? Can you sign this paper? I need field trip money
Don’t we have girl scouts tonight?
Babe have you seen the car keys. What do you want for breakfast? What time are you going to work? What’s up? What’s wrong? What can I do to help? By the way, I need to do some work on the other side of time so I may need Kimani to get the kids.
Let me know if you need anything
It’s 8:00. Still hungry and nauseous. Didn’t have the energy to comb my hair. Headwrap looks good. I need breakfast. McDonald’s oatmeal, water, and a banana. That should hold me for 2 hours. Clock in and focus on work…
So my attempt is to ask the universe for help. Is that clear? Not the clearest. What is clear is that I have support and help but guess what I have to ask for it. So what do I ask for in this situation? I can’t see that clearly because I don’t trust the people around me to show up for me. People don’t know how to show up for me unless I tell them plain and clear. Or hope that I figure it out. Any suggestions?
I do know that the answers are within me. I have to stop playing scared or victim and ask for what I want without fear and hesitation. Easy right? We shall see.
by Olivia Moore | Mar 15, 2018 | Mom, poems, Poetry, thoughts
I just kept going
Didn’t stop to consider who would be affected
In survival mode
So many signs neglected
Didn’t stop to consider that there were too many transitions
Too many for your mind to comprehend
I expected you to adapt
they say children are resilient
Gifted as an empath
I feel your anger and pain
Now I sit filled with anxiety and frustration
Praying for peace again
It’s the little things that trigger a flood of emotion
causing my heart to overbeat
and my mind to be filled with negative commotion
Chest is tight
Head now aches
The more you rebel
the more my heart breaks
I only have myself the blame
I didn’t take a second to talk to you
I could’ve explained
Could have warned you that our life will never be the same
Instead I assumed that all of you would react the same
Assumed that you’d all be ok
3 years later I have to fight to make it right
When did I stop paying attention to my kids
How did I not see their perspective
Why did I wait until now to take a look back
I’m reflective
Now I’m weighed down
I feel guilty for choosing me
Knowing that someone would suffer
If I chose to set myself free
However I have no regrets
This too shall pass
It will all be ok
pain don’t always last
The process of blending ain’t never smooth
Gotta cut through some rough things
change speed and direction ….
it takes some time to transform solids to liquid food
If you stop before things are fully complete
you’ll be left with a fight
a divide
Anger and Love will compete….
trust the process
be open to heal
Be honest with yourself
allow yourself to feel
by Olivia Moore | Feb 26, 2018 | Lesson of The Day, Mom, poems, Poetry
We’re taught to nurture
Allow you to suckle upon our breast
Then expected to carry the load of the shit that you left
You turn to hoes that don’t mind bending over
Make it clap
Then resenting the woman that’s been riding for you because she can’t twerk it like that
Men want a woman who makes a house a home
But isolate her and expect her to deal with her emotions alone
It’s no wonder she begins to prefer a softer touch
She just wants your protection and strength
Is that asking too much
So tired of the excuse of no one ever showed me the right way
When we all get the same 24 hours in a day
So what’s a woman to do
Be savage
Or be sweet
Or find a gray area between
We tell you we need you
You tell us you’ll be there
But what’s the point of words
When your actions prove you don’t care
I sound like a woman scorned
A woman who has nothing left to give to my brothers
But I’m just a woman who is fighting to not give up
Completely eliminate the term lover
I hope my words don’t bruise your ego and activate your pride
I hope that they motivate you to dig a little deeper and find the king inside
As much as I get tired of queenin’
I gotta do this shit to show my babies that life has meaning
Don’t want to raise a generation of women who don’t know their worth
Wanna show my boys that they are the dopest beings walking this Earth
So alone I’ll deal
Alone I’ll heal
Alone I’ll find a better way to feel
Until you realize that what I have to offer is real
by Olivia Moore | May 1, 2017 | Mom, poems, Poetry
Hey little man..
when will you let me reclaim the rights to my breast?
Don’t get me wrong
I love you
and I only want to give you the best.
But how long must I sacrifice shrimp and broccoli because it causes you flatulence
And when can I put on my good bra…
You know the one that doesn’t have the easy access snaps
I kind of wanted to wear my little fitted turtlenecked dress
but how will you have access
Don’t take this poem the wrong way son
Mommy just needed a moment to vent
Anytime that I get to spend with you whether it’s breastfeeding or not is time well spent
