This morning I woke up hella frustrated and kinda overwhelmed by life shit. You know bills, work, and those pesky internal demons. The little loud guys that yell at you and tell you negative shit like you’re a bad mom, you’re not good enough, you might as well go back to sleep etc. I was getting my ass kicked at 6 a.m and unfortunately, there were no witnesses or no special forces to come to my rescue. It was one of those invisible crimes. The only outcome was a face full of tears. I dragged myself out of the bed and to my closet to prepare for another freezing day of sitting in the office. (The office A/C is on a 365 timer) I turned my shower up to full blast and attempted to listen to an Abraham Hicks video to help raise my vibration. Nope, not in the space to receive. So I completed my shower and got myself ready for the day.
I went upstairs to cook my usual breakfast of eggs, grits, and two slices of turkey bacon and heard my headphones call me. Yes! My old faithful always comes through. What song was on my spirit? What did I need? I needed some Cudi!
So if you follow me on IG, you know that I often post pics of tracks that are on my playlist. I’ve been listening to this same Cudi song for a few weeks now. It’s like the ultimate get your ass up and keep moving songs. Take a sec to study these lyrics:
I had my issues, ain’t that much I could do But, peace is something that starts with me, with me At times, wonder my purpose Easy then to feel worthless But, peace is something that starts with me (with me, with me) Had so much on my mind, I didn’t know where to go I’ve come a long way from them hauntin’ me Had me feelin’ oh so low Ain’t no stoppin’ you no way All things, the night before Ain’t no stoppin’ you no way No stress yes, I’m so blessed and
I’m so, I’m so reborn, I’m movin’ forward Keep movin’ forward, keep movin’ forward Ain’t no stress on me Lord, I’m movin’ forward Keep movin’ forward, keep movin’ forward
I’m so, I’m so reborn, I’m movin’ forward Keep movin’ forward, keep movin’ forward Ain’t no stress on me Lord, I’m movin’ forward Keep movin’ forward, keep movin’ forward
Movin’ forward, movin’ forward, movin’ forward Keep movin’ forward (so long) Keep movin’ forward (I don’t know why) Keep movin’ forward (so long) Keep movin’ forward (sit here in the storm) Keep movin’ forward (time goes on) Keep movin’ forward (been looking for a way out) Keep movin’ forward (from the storm) Keep movin’ forward (which way do I go?)
I’m so, I’m so reborn, I’m movin’ forward (which way do I go?) Keep movin’ forward, keep movin’ forward (which way do I go?) Ain’t no stress on me Lord, I’m movin’ forward (which way do I go?) Keep movin’ forward, keep movin’ forward
So recently I’ve been on a journey to self-care. I’m not surprised when lessons come flying at me daily. I mean it’s what I asked for right? Guidance, clarity, answers etc. Well here comes an aha moment bought to you by life.
I like to call myself a problem solver. Hell, I’ve even gone so far as to call myself a creative solutions expert. If there’s a problem, I don’t stop until I find it. Is that such a bad thing? Well, it is if I don’t find a balance. When I was a full-time natural hair stylist, my clients would call me their stylist/life coach. It shocked me every time because I felt like I didn’t have my life in order and sometimes have a difficult time solving my own problems. Anyway…. I’ve recently started to feel super depleted. I also just recently accepted that I’m an empath. I can literally feel and take on other’s emotions. carry them and sometimes assume that it’s my shit I’m carrying. If I sensed that someone was going through something< I couldn’t help but ask them if they were ok and in some instances offer myself as a resource. WIthout them asking. This could be in the form of time, finances, and emotional support/ THis has been going on for years! And the moment I stop or take the time to focus on something else, or myself, I get phone calls about how I grew distant or weren’t there for someone when they need me.
Insert guilt…insert anger… insert extreme internalizing and negative self-talk!
Insanity
So this morning it hit me. Just because I can do something doesn’t mean that I have to. I have 100 in my pocket and someone just happens to need 100, doesn’t mean that it was meant for me to give it all to them. Faith makes me feel otherwise. I can give 100 and know that Ican make it back. So what happens when I give it and come up short of what I need? Is someone else going to show up for me? Yeah, I don’t know the right answer to that question.
Just because I have 15 mins of spare time doesn’t mean that I have to spend it helping someone solve their problems, while my needs are chilling in the cut.
What I do know is that I always have a choice. I can choose to hold on to the idea that I have to do it all because I can, or I can let go and exercise my freedom of choice.
You have a choice! You don’t have to do it all, even if you feel as if you can. There is a huge universe full of resources ready and waiting for you!
Most see ultrasound pics and due dates and send congrats and well wishes. But what goes on inside the mind of the mama that’s considered “high risk”?
Here’s a backstage tour :
She cries at times because she feels so broken
So abnormal
She tries her best to mentally prepare for cervical stitches
Possible bed rest
Total dependency on others
No sex with her partner
Feelings of despair
Praying that her baby makes it another week
Wondering if her job will understand that she can’t physically be on her feet
Somehow she sheds tears and allows herself to feel the weight
Wallow in it
Get lost in everything that’s on Her plate
Then she completely let’s go
Surrender
Accepts
And feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the partner beside her that holds her and lets her know that everything will be ok
Or full of laughter from the little baby swimming around waving today
Then she wipes her eyes, stands up and k ones that everything will be ok
Manifesting the things you desire becomes easier once you learn how to be clear and direct with your request. The problem is most of us either don’t know what we want, don’t believe we will get what we desire, or have a hard time trusting. I can speak for myself. I can clearly tell you what my kids need or what my partner needs, but when placed in a position to get exactly what I want, my brain is clouded with noise. I wake up and my brain is often overwhelmed with decisions. For example:
As soon as my eyes open:
What time is it?
Did Kimani get up and make it to the bus on time?
What am I going to wear today?
Is it supposed to rain?
It’s cold af in the office so I have to dress accordingly
Damn my ankle is still swollen. I gotta pee but the wheelchair is in the hall, and it’s faster if I just limped my way to the bathroom. Should I get the wheelchair, or thug it? Decide
What am I going to eat for breakfast? Do we have eggs, bacon, peppermint tea?
I’m already nauseous so I hope that whatever I decide to eat stays down
Fuck what am I going to eat today? It’s hard to plan now that the baby has taken over.
What time is it? Damn it’s 7:30. I was hoping to be at work by 8:00
Fuck. Gotta hurry up.
Hey, mom have you seen my shoes? Can you sign this paper? I need field trip money
Don’t we have girl scouts tonight?
Babe have you seen the car keys. What do you want for breakfast? What time are you going to work? What’s up? What’s wrong? What can I do to help? By the way, I need to do some work on the other side of time so I may need Kimani to get the kids.
Let me know if you need anything
It’s 8:00. Still hungry and nauseous. Didn’t have the energy to comb my hair. Headwrap looks good. I need breakfast. McDonald’s oatmeal, water, and a banana. That should hold me for 2 hours. Clock in and focus on work…
So my attempt is to ask the universe for help. Is that clear? Not the clearest. What is clear is that I have support and help but guess what I have to ask for it. So what do I ask for in this situation? I can’t see that clearly because I don’t trust the people around me to show up for me. People don’t know how to show up for me unless I tell them plain and clear. Or hope that I figure it out. Any suggestions?
I do know that the answers are within me. I have to stop playing scared or victim and ask for what I want without fear and hesitation. Easy right? We shall see.
Sometimes in life, we can see the big picture, but struggle to see how we are going to get something done. We can see the end goal and get overwhelmed by the how. So what do you do?
You start where you are. Take inventory of the skills, resources, materials, etc that you have, then take a second to think of the next step.
One of my friends reached out to me and challenged me to create a new earring line. I had an idea of what I wanted to do, and I also had the materials. But I had no clue of how to actually make it happen. I knew that I would use yarn and plastic canvas to come up with a 3d design.
I did a google search and became inspired by a few plastic canvas projects online and before you know it, I had a game plan. What I didn’t realize until I started the design was that I had to break it down into small pieces, to get to the end goal. Marinate on that for a second.
Tweet This: In order to reach a big goal, break it down into small pieces.
This is the most intricate designs I’ve ever done. There is no way I could have done this design without each individual piece. I had to plan, cut, stitch, and combine in order to complete this dope ass HypnoEars design. ( quick freestyle for ya)
Take this same concept and apply it to any situation in your life. Need a new job? Take inventory of your skills, resources, etc, and take a second to think of the next step. You may need to create or update your resume, hop online and apply. Before you do anything, you must take inventory. Don’t be afraid to start where you are, You have everything that you need.
Today is International Women’s Day. As a woman, at times I find it difficult to know when to take charge, take the lead, and when to be still. My perspective on my life changed recently after going to see Marvel’s Black Panther. the women in the movie were strong, powerful, and confident in who they were. They weren’t afraid to fight. They weren’t afraid to go toe to toe and fight. One of my favorite characters in the movie was Okoye. Okoya was the general and the HEAD of Wakanda’s armed forces and intel. She was bald, fierce. and beautiful. She was a leader! I needed the reminder. I needed to see that being a strong leader is not a bad thing. It’s powerful.
Who are you? What do you want? Are you willing to get up and go get it? The ball is in your court…
Lesson of the day:
It’s time to stop playing small.
Take charge of your life. The things you want are waiting for you. It ain’t just going to fall in your lap. You can either sit there and wait and see or you can take over. Get up and see what you’re made of. Take a step or take a leap … take action.
Peace! I’m Olivia!
I am a poet, accessory designer, artist…
In a nutshell, I am a creator.
I love working with my hands.
I love to create solutions. I love to create happy moments. I love to live and feel alive. I love to encourage others to feel alive…. I love to encourage others to be themselves..their authentic selves. My mission in life is to be a better me than I was the day before.
